wickedleeloo

I saw him post on my wall. And I don't know if I should reply or not. I know I have his heart but I also know that we are apart. I can only state facts - the reality in front of me but not really know what to make of it.

Part of me wants to stay positive and hopeful. I know being with him is going to be difficult but I guess it hasn't quite hit me until now what difficult really means. I want to email him this, right away, but I gave him my word. He needs to create a more decent pattern and a get back to a more normal life with his mind focused in his studies.

Part of me wants to quit. Part of me wants to ask, will I last? will I endure? coz I know a successful relationship relies on constant communication and without it, with this distance, we have nothing.

I feel hurt as I write this, how can I feel pain and happiness at the same time? I do not understand this and it overwhelms me. This pain of knowing that this is just but one of the so many we have to go through.

I can only hope and pray that we both come of this strong. Together.


<P.S. Answers/Words of wisdom do come to you at times when you need it most, was browsing and read a Deepak Chopra quote: "Love is the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe and transcends ALL boundaries." >

Told you my mother is crazy and weird, yeah?

So now my bottle of Vit C. is missing in my condo, and the bottle of Aspirin has gone half empty. So I'm thinking she thought since the bottles look the same that these are the same meds...she must have poured the Aspirin tablets into the bottle of Vitamin C and took it home with her!

AAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrGGGGGGhhhhhh!!! i only found out now! she visited me like 2 weeks ago...and god knows if she's popping Vitamin C or Aspirin everyday or both! So now, out of panic, i texted my younger sister to tell our mother that if the tablets are colored a little yellow, then that's the Vit. C. and if it taste bitter, it's the aspirin.

And thank god it's not Valium or Prozac or something stronger. hahaha.

i love my mother.

6:20 AM in the office today, Sunday. I just broke down and cry.

I have been crying since yesterday because of my family. I am worried that I am clinically depressed and about to lose my sanity any moment soon.

I know my agents must be wondering why the heck did I just break out in tears but I cannot hold it back anymore. I just had to.

I am not getting enough sleep, for months now I sleep at around 12 noon and wake up at 3pm and work at 10PM. Every day. Including Saturday.

I feel so exhausted.

I remember someone telling me this:

"Sure, we make bad decisions but it doesn't necessarily make us bad persons." - Anonymous

But what if it's a series of bad moves, one after the other? If that doesn't make you bad, what does that make you eh, worse?

My sarcasm is rich today.

On the brighter side of things...


                                            source: http://failblog.org

Today I woke up and found a GRASSHOPPER in my toilet!!! i screamed and ran out of the bathroom before i could put my pj's on again startling my mother. 

Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!
What the hell is happening???
There's a grasshopper in the toilet, Ma.
(My mom laughs)
That insect doesn't bite don't worry.
Yeah but how the hell did it get in there! This is a freakin high rise, it can't possibly jump all the way up here!
Ayaw mo nun...good luck yan!
(A beat.)
Huh?So how will I pee now???
Eh di pumasok ka sa banyo!

I love my mother.

It's funny how old blog posts could make you smile. That's exactly what I was doing earlier and I have to admit, I am amused at myself over how entertaining I am!

Okay, snapping back into present. So,  I guess it's normal for any human being to experience self doubt from time to time - which is what I'm exactly feeling at the moment. I feel so scared, so alone and I feel that nobody gives a damn. Maybe that's why a lot of people commit suicide...the depression and loneliness got the best of  them, enough reason for them to quit life.

When everyone else has plans of what to do this year, of milestones they need to accomplish, here I am asking myself - "ok, now what? here you are, turning a year older, now what is next?" Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about my life, it's just that I feel that I've plateaued - things have become routinary again and I am starting to hate the cycle I'm in...I am standing on a fork on this road  - do I let go of all this and start back at square one or do I hold on to what I have and see this through?

This is boredom at its best. Or maybe, this is what's also known as Quarter-life Crisis. Awful.

"In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. " - Richard Bach

the password went through!

2010 here i come.

riot.